I never thought I would see the day where my metabolism slowed down.
That day is today (well technically I saw it when I was paranoid about pregnancy but that’s an entirely different story)
anyway…..I mean until 5 days from now, the possibility of pregnancy will be on my mind.
I did talk to God, and to myself out loud about how getting “fat” would be better than being pregnant right now…
Now if this is an answer to my indirect prayer, I’ll take it, honestly….
but if my period comes (praying to the LORD THAT IT DOES), then I know that I have to stop this behavior and think about my future, which, at this moment, does not include small feet or a giggly happy child.
I did all of this because I felt lonely, because eI was vulnerable, because I felt pressured, because I didn’t know what else to do, and even through the pleasure I feel guilt…
Yes, I will be completely transparent to you all.
I do things impulsively because it’s just something to do.
The day after theday I had sex, I was walking to class, walking past the street I always pass to go to class, and slowed down. The crossing signal hadn’t flashed us permission to talk, but we do it anyway.
I saw a car….it was coming fast.
At that moment….my fears of my fears went away. I wanted to stand there, and watch the event transpire in slow motion, numb to everything that day.
I couldn’t stand, literally, to stay here. I wanted to be destroyed. I was beginning to ask God why He woke me up that morning, but as soon as I said that, I felt Him nudge book bag, guiding me across the street to the other side of the side walk.
To just think that I could have finished what I started in 6th grade……to think that I had that power…..or so I thought….that sends a chill up my spine because……almost every fiber in my being wanted to die that day….